Nafsiya Reflections: Out of Impulse

A moment, you’re calm, the next being yelled at, or worse yelling at someone through your car window. Or... The moment you finish mopping the floors, finally getting the house looking presentable, your child drops his glass of milk all over the hallway. Why the hallway!!

It sometimes happens with our spouses. They walk through the door, after a long day of work, oblivious to our existence it seems, and what goes through our mind...? I have been home with the kids all day, cleaning up messes, cooking, settling fights, laundry, changing diapers and he can’t force a smile?!! And there goes the spark needed for shaytan to take advantage of the situation.

We sometimes overreact, to put it simply. Act without much thought, a reaction we all regret. When our reactions are led by strong “negative” emotions we wind up regretting what we say or do. Emotions that are built on thoughts, ideas or beliefs we may have created years and years ago.

We may go through life oblivious to the beliefs that are building or even more dangerous, beliefs that have been built in our minds. Beliefs that if acted upon create patterns, create habits, and therefore are engraved in our conscious and subconscious mind creating actions and responses, which in turn creates a pathway for our life. These beliefs make up who we are, define us. Leading us to the success of this Dunya or to our destruction in the hereafter (La Samaha Allah, Allah forbid).

We as Muslims, as believers in Allah (swt), have a clear guide. A guide sent down to us from The ONE who created us, who gave us our complex minds, and who guided us with HIS (swt) book.

[ذَٰلِكَ الْكِتَابُ لَا رَيْبَ ۛ فِيهِ ۛ هُدًى لِّلْمُتَّقِينَ]

"This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah" [Al- Baqarah: 02]

In this noble book... we can find our right and wrong. Dissecting habits that were built without much thought, but became a pattern in our personality. Beliefs that were given to us through our environment, through our parents, relatives, friends... through culture, tradition... through entertainment and Hollywood. Beliefs that led us to think that a marital relationship should be built on pure “unbreakable” love before marriage... or it could be the other extreme, love doesn’t exist and is haram. It could be beliefs that our children should be put in every extra-curricular activity possible and have straight A’s, putting aside the understanding of the Tafseer of the Quran, as if it is what is less important. It could be internal beliefs within ourselves telling us we are “sloppy”, “unorganized”, “lazy”, “forgetful”, “slow”, “failures”... words engraved in our minds from relatives, teachers, parents...

These beliefs, if not questioned, could be what is leading us down a path we never imagined for ourselves. A path ripping us away from our true potential as believers in Allah (swt), as fathers, mothers, spouses, daughters and sons... our true potential in being the person we want to be. And these beliefs may be the cause of our aggressive reactions. Reacting to the man yelling at us from his car window, instead of having the confidence, the strength, to not react out of instinct. Our beloved role-model Muhammad (saw) said:

«لَيْسَ اَلشَّدِيدُ بِالصُّرَعَةِ, إِنَّمَا اَلشَّدِيدُ اَلَّذِي يَمْلِكُ نَفْسَهُ عِنْدَ اَلْغَضَبِ»

“The strong man is not the good wrestler; but the strong man is he who controls himself when he is angry.”

This was not something Rasool Allah (saw) would give in to. When in another narration He (saw) said,

«أَلاَ تَعْجَبُونَ كَيْفَ يَصْرِفُ اللَّهُ عَنِّي شَتْمَ قُرَيْشٍ وَلَعْنَهُمْ يَشْتِمُونَ مُذَمَّمًا وَيَلْعَنُونَ مُذَمَّمًا وَأَنَا مُحَمَّدٌ»

"Doesn't it astonish you how Allah protects me from the Quraish's abusing and cursing? They abuse Mudhammam and curse Mudhammam while I am Muhammad (and not Mudhammam)."

A beautiful, empowering reaction! What beliefs was our dear Prophet (saw) held to react in such an empowering way! Bearing in mind that these were once people who showed him love and respect, people who had treated him well, people he grew up with. It was not easy to see them try to mock him.

He (saw), is our teacher, educating us in how to carry ourselves, as he saw, taught Abu Bakr al Sadeeq (ra), narrated through this hadith. When the Messenger of Allah (saw) was sitting with some of his companions, a man reviled Abu Bakr and insulted him. However, Abu Bakr remained silent. He insulted him twice, but Abu Bakr controlled himself. He insulted him thrice and Abu Bakr took revenge on him. Then the Messenger of Allah (saw) got up when Abu Bakr took revenge. Abu Bakr said: Were you angry with me, Messenger of Allah? The Messenger of Allah (saw) replied:

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ «‏نَزَلَ مَلَكٌ مِنَ السَّمَاءِ يُكَذِّبُهُ بِمَا قَالَ لَكَ فَلَمَّا انْتَصَرْتَ وَقَعَ الشَّيْطَانُ فَلَمْ  أَكُنْ لأَجْلِسَ إِذْ وَقَعَ الشَّيْطَانُ

"An angel came down from Heaven and he was rejecting what he had said to you. When you took revenge, a devil came down. I was not going to sit when the devil came down."

Lessons from the noble Quran teach us precisely this, to not give into our reactions with our emotional urges or instincts, when stated in Surah Ash-Shura, Ayah 39 -40:

[وَالَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَهُمُ البَغْيُ هُمْ يَنْتَصِرُونَ * وَجَزَاءُ سَيِّئَةٍ سَيِّئَةٌ مِثْلُهَا فَمَنْ عَفَا وَأَصْلَحَ فَأَجْرُهُ عَلَى اللهِ]

"And those who, when tyranny strikes them, they defend themselves, (39) And the retribution for an evil act is an evil one like it, but whoever pardons and makes reconciliation - his reward is [due] from Allah. Indeed, He does not like wrongdoers." (40)

When faced with these inevitable life circumstances, we must always ask ourselves empowering questions instead of jumping to conclusions; why is it that this person is reacting in such a way? Why is it that our spouse is so preoccupied? Is it possible that our child just pre-conceived the consequences of their actions (walking around the house with milk) and what is our reaction teaching them? Most importantly we must always hold ourselves accountable, and ask ourselves if it is something we have done? And to know for certain that the reward for overlooking, giving excuses, to those who have wronged us, will be given by Allah (swt) on the day we may so desperately need it!

This self-restraint is taught by Prophet Muhammad (saw). Do not give into emotions, rather control them to not react out of impulse but to think before responding, to respond in a way that makes us proud of ourselves in front of Allah (swt), that makes our hearts feel lighter, more pure. This is true strength. Strength gifted from Allah (swt) to HIS most beloved servants.

May Allah help us perfect our Deen! Ya Allah.

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